Artistikem

“Thank you for calling the HIT network. First of all, are you of legal age? Say YES or NO.”

“YES.”

“Are you sure? Say YES or NO.”

“YES.”

“Okay, if you say so. But we must warn you that if you proceed with this call you could be liable for crime charges. If you understand this say YES, if you don’t, say NO.”

“YES.”

“Thank you for calling the HIT network, where hitmen and women are ready to take your murder requests twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We guarantee you the best service you can get or your money back. If you’re a woman, say WOMAN, if you’re a man, say MAN.”

“MAN.”

“Now if your victim is female, say WOMAN, if it’s a male, say MAN.”

“WOMAN.”

“Thought so. We get this all the time. Ok. Tell us more about this WOMAN you want dead. Who is she? Your wife? Your lover? Your mother? Your mother-in-law? Or someone else?”

“WIFE.”

“Another one bites the dust, eh? Ok. So, would you like this murder to be perpetrated by a man or a woman? You know the drill already.”

“WOMAN.”

“You want to watch or should we produce a video of the murder? We can do photos too.”

“WATCH.”

“Our system will now send your call to the next available hitwoman. For quality purposes, your call could be monitored. Please stand by.”

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪ If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain,… ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

“All of our hitwomen are busy right now, between the economic crisis and other shit going on in the world we’ve been swamped with work down here. But don’t worry, your call will be attended in the order it came in by the next available hitwoman. Please, stand by.”

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪ If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain,… ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

“Thanks for calling the HIT network, this is Cherry, who shall I murder today?”

“Hi, Cherry. I’m Daniel. It’s my wife, I can’t stand her anymore.”

Fingers typing away.

“Do you have any children?”

“No.”

More typing.

“Our system shows that you chose to watch your wife’s murder. Are you sure about this?”

“Well, if it doesn’t get too gruesome.”

“It will be as gruesome as you want it to.”

“Ok, I’ll watch.”

“Good. Now we need the address where you would like the murder to take place.”

“1402 Gardenia Street.”

More typing, then it stops.

“1402?”

“Yes.”

“Dave? Dave Krazinsky?”

Reluctantly, “Yes.”

“Do you have any idea who you’re speaking to David Carl Krazinsky?”

“HARRIET?”

“What the fuck are you doing!? You want to murder me? I’m your wife!”

“I… I don…”

“Don’t you dare hang up the phone! Who the fuck do you think you are arranging my murder?”

“You’re a hitwoman!?!?”

Sigh. “Ok, I should’ve known you’d find out soon enough. But not like this. You’re so dead, Dave. So. Dead.”

Mad typing, then silence.

“Now it’s you who’s going to kill me, isn’t it?”

A sound, like something switching.

“Thanks for reaching the ‘I screwed up now I’m getting killed network’, subsidiary of the HIT network. Please say your last words after the beep.”